


Soul Deep Love

by CobaltStargazer



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Reunion, Secret Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2554388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltStargazer/pseuds/CobaltStargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one ever knows what the future will bring, only that the pieces of it come together in the damnedest way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soul Deep Love

Elle gave Spencer a call five days after she left his apartment, and she did it from the airport. She'd lingered in town since she'd seen him, and when he didn't get in touch she decided to go back home. The last thing she ever wanted to do was hang over his head like a black cloud, and she couldn't make him want this. Want _them._ She was getting used to it, her pragmatism mingling with a budding affection for the child. It was part him, part Reid, and she loved him even if he hadn't taken the news the way she'd hoped he would. Then again, if she had told him as soon as she found out, it might have turned out differently. 

"Hey, it's me." She said it as she headed towards the gate, knowing she'd have to turn off her phone when she boarded. "I'm just calling to, uh, say that I'm going back to Taos. I figure you're still wading through what I sprung on you, and I don't want to...well, you know. I know this is hard for you, and this is one thing that I'd do differently if I could, but it's too late for that now. I fucked it up, and I'm sorry." The final word in the sentence got stuck in Elle's throat, and then she made herself say it. Spencer she could apologize to, try to make things better. The former profiler looked at her watch, glanced down the concourse. As if she expected to see him standing there, getting ready to wave. "Look, just...when you get it sorted out, call me and we'll talk. This is happening, whether either of us is ready for it or not. I won't hang over your shoulder while you work through it, but I want you to know that nothing's changed. I still...hell, you know."

She boarded her flight and shut the phone off when she found her seat, and the hollow place in the center of her chest was counter-balanced by what she knew was growing in her belly. Elle touched her stomach hesitantly as the plane finally began to taxi down the runway, and despite the empty spot, she didn't cry. She refused to cry.

Spencer listened to his messages when he returned from work, and he stood in the middle of his silent apartment with his heart and stomach competing to see which organ could get to the soles of his feet first. Elle was going home, back to New Mexico. Had he blown it? She hadn't sounded angry on the message she'd left, she'd sounded stoic. He played it several times, sitting on the couch while he raked his fingers through his hair. He believed her when she said her feelings hadn't changed, but as for the rest of it? The profiler touched the turquoise pendant she'd given him, the one that had been hers before that. He knew that if he called her back now, she wouldn't pick up because her plane would be in the air. Maybe that was best, though.

Not surprisingly, the call went straight to voice mail, and Spencer got up from the couch as he said, "Hey. I got your call, and ah..." It was late, past ten, which meant it was dark by now. Spring was promising to be very warm, a precursor of summer. He touched the scar on his neck, wondering if she didn't hate him just a little. It would be fitting, since he kind of hated himself right then. He cleared his throat.

"I'd undo it, too. Go back and start over, say the right things this time. I know you probably aren't ready for this. I know I'm not. Being a father is something I never planned on, and I'm worried that I won't be able to live up to my end of things. That I'll disappoint you, and the kid. They say that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and that doing the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity. What _I've_ learned from history is that a family is the easiest thing to wreck beyond repair. I don't want to do that to you, especially if....especially if what I said about genetics turns out to be true. My father left because he couldn't handle reality. I don't know if I'm as weak as he is, but if I am..." He let the sentence trail away into nothingness, bowing his head. "I should go. I'll call you later, I promise."

Elle didn't listen to her messages when she first arrived home. She claimed the dog from the sitter, then took a long nap before dinner. After she ate, she checked her mail, and was surprised to find a message from Reid. This soon? But when she finished listening to it, she was equal parts annoyed and agitated. Didn't he have any idea of how much confidence she had in him? Hell, she wouldn't have told him at all if she didn't think he could handle it. But she didn't call him back. He was a man, and he could make his own decisions. 

Time passed. A week, then two. Spencer developed a slight case of insomnia due to his bed being too big. He yearned for Elle's presence, her prickly affection, but terror held him at bay. Terror and anger, because he'd thought he was old enough to have conquered his fears about his mother's illness. He'd done some research on the subject, and there was no conclusive evidence that schizophrenia was any more likely to occur when the disease had already skipped a generation than that it wouldn't. There were no guarantees of anything.

At the end of the third week, he took Aaron aside and said, "Can you do without me for a week, maybe ten days? I need to go out of town." Pause. Should he admit it? The last time he'd told Hotch he was in Taos, the man had shown up in Elle's living room. He didn't want a repeat of _that_ particularly piece of history, thanks. Finally, he gave a mental shrug. "I have to see Elle. She's dealing with some things right now, and she needs a shoulder to lean on."

And Aaron wanted to ask. Spencer had seemed tense and distracted lately, and he hadn't mentioned their former colleague's name when he had been doing so fairly recently. After a long pause, the older man finally nodded. Whatever was going on, if it involved Elle, it was perhaps best not to pry. That had proven to be a minefield he'd prefer not to have to navigate.

"All right, Reid. If I need you for a consult, I'll contact you by phone. Tell her I hope that whatever the situation is, it gets better."

He packed one suitcase. He didn't know if she'd even want to talk to him now, much less let him hang around. His insecurities were doing back flips in his stomach, ignoring his attempts to put them in a confined space. He looked around at his living room, studying the familiar space. Things were going to change again, regardless of what happened. But maybe this change could be for the better.

He was tired when he arrived, but instead of finding a hotel he rented a car at the airport after buying a large cup of coffee. He was anxious enough that the caffeine wouldn't jar his nerves that much. The sun was a big, bright ball in a wide expanse of blue. He felt the way he did when he'd first searched for her,

Elle's street was quiet when she arrived home, piloting her vehicle into the driveway, and when she saw the unfamiliar car it gave her pause until she saw the plate from the rental agency. When she saw Spencer sitting in the swing on the porch, her stomach turned into a single knot of tension. But she masked it as she got out of the car and walked up the steps to stand beneath the awning. She saw his Adam's apple move as he swallowed, and she looked up to meet his eyes when he got to his feet. The silence held. She refrained from reaching for his hand by looking for her keys.

"We should talk."

"Yeah. Yeah, we should."

She pulled him into the house, and as soon as she'd closed the door he let himself reach for her tentatively. If she slapped his hands away, which he halfway expected her to, he'd take several steps back and go sit down. But his palms itched to touch her, and he wanted to make this right. "Uh..."

Elle felt his arms encircling her from behind, and she knew it wasn't really going to be that easy, but she turned around before he could lock his fingers together and put her arms around him in kind. Because that had been her biggest fear. Not that she'd have to do this by herself, or that she _couldn't_ do this by herself, but that she'd never be able to hold him again. She leaned into him so he couldn't see her expression, and she could smell the clean shirt he was wearing. Spencer shivered. His arms tightened.

"I'm sorry. " His voice was tight, and he rubbed the small of her back. "I was an asshole and I'm sorry."

"Be quiet, Reid." 

Her face was still out of his line of sight, and she had her cheek pressed to the spot above his heart. They would have to talk, and she had a whole speech prepared about how she hadn't given him or their relationship the respect she should have, but just in the moment of it, she wanted silence so she could count his heartbeats. She felt him kiss the top of her head. When he said, "I love you," his breath ruffled her hair.

"I love you too, Spencer."

Elle wouldn't look up, so he put a finger under her chin and tipped her face upwards. Her chin quivered, and he smiled when she tightened her jaw to still the motion. "You always have to play the tough girl, don't you?" he asked, a small smile making the corners of his mouth twitch. That made her smile, and she came up on her toes for a kiss. His tongue played against hers briefly before the contact broke. This house was where the new chapter of his life had begun. And now yet another chapter had begun to be written.

"Come on inside," Elle said, stepping back just enough to take his hand. There was a warmth in her belly that had nothing to do with the coming heat of summer. She didn't need him to take care of her, but the kid was part of him too, and given their respective pasts with their fathers she wanted to give this parenting thing the best shot she could. Her love for Spencer meant she automatically loved the child. Now that they could sit down and talk, they'd be able to work something out.

They ended up sitting on the couch, and he slung his arm around her in a comfortable fashion. "Are you scared?" he asked after a minute.

She tucked herself further against his side. "Are you kidding, I'm terrified," she admitted with a self-conscious laugh. "I've never been around kids much. But if everything happens for a reason, then maybe this was supposed to happen. You and me, us..." Elle fell silent, and she looked down at her stomach. " _This._ "

Next to her, Spencer shifted, and the arm around her moved so that he could gingerly put his hand on her belly. With her next to him, he felt less shaky. He made good money, could provide for her if she asked him to, but he wanted to be there for her, physically and emotionally. To do for his child what his own father had never done for him. And with Elle as his - or her - mother, the kid would probably be able to walk through hell in a gasoline overcoat. The profiler's touch firmed up on the brunette's stomach.

"Do you think I'll be a good father?"

She covered his knuckles. His hands were larger than hers, the fingers just as thin. "Baby, I think you'll be the _best_ father."

He let the certainty in her voice convince him of that, at least for the time being. His mouth brushed against her cheek, and she turned to face him for a more serious kiss. Their hands were still linked on her abdomen. His hair was getting long again. She liked to tug on it.

"I love you."

"Even if I get as big as a house?"

"Especially then. We might have to try some different positions, though. It's a fact that normal sexual relations can continue throughout pregnancy as long as the female is comfortable, and that a woman's sex drive can spike exponentially when she's carrying a baby. Unless her libido goes into the toilet, that is. But given how often we've been together, I'm betting on the former."

He said it so seriously that she stared at him for a minute, and then his lips quirked. That made her laugh, and then she straddled his thighs. Sometimes the foreplay was just as good as the sex itself. Their lives were tied together now, but they'd _been_ tied together for a while. His hands settled on her hips.

"Will you come back with me?" The question was shy, softly spoken. He was already tentatively planning ahead. He would have to put out feelers about real estate, getting a bigger place, but it depended on her being willing. He knew she had her own life, but he wanted to try and make this work, have an open relationship with her. Regardless of what the others thought, he wanted her, _needed_ her, in his life.

She only thought about it for a second, and then she nodded wordlessly and kissed his mouth. She didn't know what would happen next, where this path would take them, but his bravery in suggesting the leap urged her to jump right in after him. 

They'd have to make sure they found a dog-friendly place, though. She wasn't going to leave the mutt behind.

"I love you." She whispered it, leaning down so that her long hair fell over their faces, obscuring them. But she could still see his eyes. And when he only nodded in response, she knew he meant 'I love you, too.'


End file.
